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I have nothing to lose   
12:38pm 31/10/2004
  How worse can it get? No more fear.
I say it now.

Kimi no koto mada suki
hontouni suki
sono kuchibiru no furetai
sono ude de dakishimete hoshii

I still love you.
realli love you.
those lips i want to touch
those arms i want them to hold me

phew.. cleared my mind finally
I give you the gun... so blow me away   
09:07am 31/10/2004
mood: contemplative
Happy Halloween... aaah memories *laughs*

I like jakalope. this past few days in spirit of halloween, they've been running halloween type of songs so where do they all end up? in my comp *pats*

people encourage so many things... that it gets to the point where they just don't understand. tell me... if i found u like this, would i been pushing you towards another guy or girl? no i don't think so.

no delicacy *tsk* minna dame dayone

i take a stick and draw a circle around me. within this radius you can't come in... it's like a child's game but for real, i find myself backing up and tripping when they come too close...

ahaha ppl say aren't u loving the attention ur getting in uni? no not realli since if i realli cared i would actually go and take initial steps... so if i act like i don't care or i'm just nervous when you come close.. then most likely i have zero interest... lame pickup lines... argh.

because uni is big, i thought i can be invisble, be the avg student rather than trying to stay on top like hs. it's easier to get by, being nobody... the sad part is that nobody believes that i'm struggling in uni. they say oh smart erika? no way she's gonna fail, she'll be just fine... just like that, they assume.. and i'm left saying... no really i'm having trouble in classes... they can't even recognize the truth.

doctor's tmw.. cure my disease *laughs*

the one thing i look forward to is my bed. or the bus. i close my eyes and let it all fall away. some things don't hurt as much when ur surrounded by blankets. warmth and silence... two things i like. a cacoon function, i just have to make this skin a lil tougher.

i wanna see alfie. jude law is cute :$ british accents are... charming *laughs* should go see some time

by may i might get one. make it on my hip and let it say ren or on the back, two wings... not those cheezy ones but artsy one... small ones btwn shoulder blades. hip one may be safer since least chance of being seen...

the smoke's getting addictive
leaning into the musty jacket
there's hints of sweat, cologne
and smoke... that's all there seems to be.
it whirls around, caressing those soft round lips
the cold cruel eyes
broken window panes where
the soul has long ceased to be
beyond the chiding voice, there's great distaste
almost as intense as the love you thrust upon
you take the blade and dig it upon my skin
ur name on my flesh
my name on urs
pressing gently, the blood mingles
together you say...
and i smile, shaking my head in amusement

there was this story that eric gave me before... it was online and although i stopped talking to him, that story was so cute. a girl and a guy... a girl who's family was so cruel, a guy who was leader of a gang. they meet, they fall in love... they carve names into their skin to declare their love. they were supposed to marry but something happens and the guy is forced to flee. yrs go by and the girl finds out he's still alive. she pretends to be a guy so she can join his gang and be close. eventually they find each other but in a shootout with another gang, the guy's injured and the girl agrees to go into surgery too in order to save him... knowing that she will die. she leaves after surgery, all weak and dying... the guy recovers, wakes up and runs after her. to that spot.... she's lying on the ground and he gathers her gently in his arms and she's able to say i love you before she dies... and he decides to give up his ways and leave the gang.

i wish i can find that story again.

sadness is periodic. numbness is temporary. dun worri i'm fine. just a comatose *laughs*
you said not to push the boundary, but let me push it one more time... to say what i feel   
11:09pm 30/10/2004
mood: morose

Simple words, just txt... but that's the genuine caring i get from anybody. I read it over and over, letting the words gently roll off my tongue.... the only thing i've spoken so far today *laughs softly* I've stopped talking. It seems so unnatural to hear myself speak and I shudder to hear it. I can't talk... it's barely above a whisper. I don't want to hear anybody talk.

Waiting in metro, the floor echoes with a millon steps and voices. Head spins but I still can't help smiling at my reflection in the gap window. I have changed haven't I? As you say, I have become *delicate* :P Only a month or so and my hair will be longer than it has been for the last 2 yrs and I want to start working out again. Paler, darker... beautiful....

You could be the reason I love, you could be the reason I cry, you could you could....

                                                                                 - Jakalope

Maybe love isn't dead. I still have a small portion... just for one. just for... somebody who has probably been hurt by me too much to risk another chance. I have lost all confidence to bring it up. Before I wouldn't have hesistated... before I would have.... done so many things.

My needs? Of course I have and I won't deny it. there's someone i need and no... it's not because he/she is always there... because i've gone through some thinking and... it's just another mistake. i'm stupid... incredibly stupid to let go of something so good... even all those painful arguments... all those... it was worth it to see you smile for me.... i

f i could... i would ask you... do you have any feelings left? what was left from the sunshine and the summer evenings... i would say sorry, i would say something different, all those things i've said outta selfishness and stupidity... i would say things that i should have said and realized much sooner... i would...

do you care in that way still? those songs you write... who is it for? a nameless figure... a pursuit of a idealogical figure... to attain an ideal... what you say... is clear indication that you don't.... you're not looking back so i shouldn't be either... but i can't help it..

fists clenched, i wanted to reach out hesistantly to touch that cheek, to say the soft affectionate words that would have melted.... i bite the tongue and hold those words when you say you don't care about relationships... i smile and hide the despair when you sidestep those hesistantly asked questions and talk about your day.

i remind myself. that at least we're talking. at least we're close again. that it's better than nothing. to say anything would jeopardize what we have.

but looking up at the white delicate figures and the countless winter songs piling up on the comp.. i whisper over and over....

i miss u, i miss u, i miss u, i miss u, i miss u, i miss u....

i'm sorry... i just want you back but you probably don't want that.

that msg gives me hope... but it's false sense of hope since it might just be my thinking... i'm relaxing to talk to... and that's my purpose. *laughs softly* but i will fufill that purpose since it's better than nothing.

it's better than not being able to talk you again.

there was a reason why i told you that day... how i felt more than friends there is a reason why that feeling still remains...

ah... why do i sound so... romantic.

I make it sound like that something else caused this problem but realistically saying, i ended it and now i regret it. Stupid right? Yes.. pretty stupid. But I'll admit that... if that can bring  u back...

a chance of redemption.

another chance.

that's what i want for x-mas and nothing more.

it's sleeping   
11:16pm 29/10/2004
mood: numb
it's sleeping with just one eye
and it awakens that moment that you leave....

interesting day... even scary
for the most... it was disappointing... all i get is the feeling that i'm not meant for uni... studying is not enough.... my grades are falling

at least flu shot on mon. make me more resistent...

but i feel... nothing.

for now again.
just grey skies and brown leaves... staining the translucent puddles... little mirrors of truth

i think i failed my chem midterm. i care... but too late. move on...
Yuki no hana   
11:20pm 28/10/2004
mood: sleepy
I liked this song... and the acoustic is even better. why is it that acoustic music reminds me of winter? *laughs softly*

one midterm down, one more left

it's been a while since my heart skipped for any guy... it's been a while since it melted... for 2monthes... it's been frozen

and i never expected that you could melt it again.

even for a brief moment, i was floating... had thoughts again... and even the midterm didn't seem so bad.. even life didn't look so... gloomy

the hugs, the words... miles across... it meant a lot. even as friends.

hope dangles on a string... a slow spinning redemption.

hmmm... but is it wise to write here? to be honest... i dunno who noes this site... but let them all see...

it was such a beautiful feeling... even if it's not real. but let me dream a little longer. a long lasting sleepness of... the heart
just... friends..   
11:05pm 27/10/2004

*rubs at her cheek, the faint lines of a happi face* sometimes i get confused... but i just need to remind myself that your niceness is you being yourself. we're just friends now... second tries don't happen... forgive my outburst last nite...

 I don't know what came over me. it's silly you'll say if i ever were to say...

 that i still like u...

in fact that seems to be the pattern for me loving someone, being with someone, then breaking up, then realizing a mistake and running back... but the person's long gone

you'll just pat and say silly... that i'll find someone else someday who'll take the time to bring out the best of me while i bring out the best in him.

see it doesn't hurt to say because i've shut that part off... just studyin and studying.. now i go to education centre for some intense studying sessions... i like that place.. not dead silent and u can eat unlike library... sometimes there's somebody playing music and it's secluded... not many ppl come or find me. plus lots of japanese students hang around so it reminds me of being in japan again...

crash and burn. that i'll never do. ahaha... i'm touched that u even think about me. strange to say... i haven't taken that photo down. snowflakes are still up there. but i noe it won't happen.

once it comes, it won't come back again. good things don't happen twice.

You won't make an effort not even for me?

 No... because I can' ...

Now I want to... but i guess it's useless to say now.

another thing to scatter into the river of forgotten dreams..

watch it wash away...

a silent farewell

Let's shine   
09:20am 24/10/2004
mood: naughty
I have hopes, I have dreams, I have goals. I bear no ill feeling to anybody... actually quite thankful for each has given me something that I will treasure. I believe in second chances, maybe third and fourth. Some things may hurt for now but in the future I still will open the door and welcome you with open arms. Like I say come back when the timing is right :) when we all grow and mature, looking back on the messy past and laugh... we'll shake our heads and say how can we be so silly?

so work on myself and make myself happy. learn how to smile from the inside and maybe the inner beauty will change the outer :p now that's wishful thinking pah!

still i gotta be optimistic since it's working. driving not as scary, closer to friends, piano concert was close to flawless *best performance yet!* chem 121 is all clear... well almost. should start phys since midterm is earlier den chem :p

waaaaaaaaaaaaah! study study! i miss seein ppl... drag me out after midterms or tues when i have only one class in morn >.> go out and do something fun!

so rescue me from phys :P tuesday!
happily ever after.... yeah right   
09:15am 17/10/2004
mood: depressed
It takes too much effort to be so... happy. It's not that I don't care about meeting new people at uni but you know you're never going to spend time with them outside of uni either >.> I don't see them becoming close to me, in fact I won't let anybody come close. If it's of the flesh then that depends on whether I'm attracted to you or not but of the extreme closeness? Forget it. You wonder why I meet nice guys? Well you can have them... I don't care at this rate.

Nobody gets it.
Nobody understands me.

And this frickin essay is getting nowhere *sad*

And I was reading my yrbook and dammit... A COMPUTER GEEK... who still loves you. dammit dammit dammit... My defences are paper thin. All it takes is one shot and you'll kill me. In fact kill me. Do it quick so I can get away from this self perpetuated hell. I want nothing. I used to want a lot of things but now I'm forced to be content with nothing or I just don't feel things like I used to...

but a DARK CHILD... who still loves you.

for how long though...

I'll be looking forward to the day when your words, your voice, your touch or your look has no effect on me anymore.
Planned it out   
10:10am 16/10/2004
  I figured what to get you for x-mas. If I can find the person then it's no problem but looking at the pics in my comp, it reminded me.

Surprise surprise... I mean I can't be totally sad can I? Not when I have akogareno wing no shashin. Yes that picture is worth more then my whole art collection. Wonder how he's doing. Haven't talked to him for 2 monthes but then again it's always like this :p But I figured out why I thought my MUG leader was cute. Because he looked like wing. :$

have fun... concentrate on friends and study and the rest? i won't think about it.

happiness will either come or it won't. I stopped looking for it.
08:53am 14/10/2004
  I'm so scared....

I want somebody to lean on so badly.....
but there will be none
since it's my life
I've had it with this life   
07:58am 14/10/2004
  Everytime I set myself up to hope for something better I get shot down. Now I have stupid midterm on friday that I have no chance of passing, an essay in which technology of that ^&*^&* uni seems to hinder me from getting the info I need, my parents are sick and it's all my fault *bitching about it*, I've successfully alienated most of my friends, I have feelings for someone who will probably never ever change for the better, worrying about something that's not happening *that's usually supposed to happen* which causes me paranoia, uni is a bundle of stress and worst of all... I'm all alone again.

I don't want any more excuses. I try to be nice but it's not working at all. I want nothing to do with you world. It's pointless to do so but I question my existence. All I do is worry worry worry or stress about small crap or just be sad. Tell me how was I supposed to know I'd be like this???

Just forget it. After Friday I'm not talking. I'm ditching all of you for good.
Superman is dead *OLP*   
04:12pm 11/10/2004
  Do you worry that you’re not liked
How long till you break
You’re happy cause you smile
But how much can you fake
An ordinary boy an ordinary name
But ordinary’s just not good enough today

Alone I’m thinking
Why is superman dead
Is it in my head
We’ll just laugh instead
You worry about the weather and
Whether or not you should hate

Are you worried about your faith
Kneel down and obey
You’re happy you’re in love
You need someone to hate
An ordinary girl an ordinary waist
But ordinary’s just not good enough today
Doesn’t anybody ever know that the world’s a subway

RIP Christopher Reeves, without superman the world is a whole lot bleaker...
New goals   
12:16pm 11/10/2004
  Music/Lyrics 雅-miyavi-







With spring wind breathin' in a breeze.





his voice is exquisite... i fell asleep lastnite with headphones on... his voice... singing ever so softly

goal 1 : study hard
goal 2 : be a better friend
goal 3 : say yes for s... or just find another guy in uni
goal 4 : drive more and practise
goal 5 : build better self-image
goal 6 : go back to drawing
goal 7 : go out more and meet new guys

the opportunities are given so what am i waitin for? was talking to some ppl about current me and situation... they say i'm too soft hearted. that was a nasty shock for some of them too... *laughs*

so why be so... hopeful or even... *loyal if that's what you call it* when it's clear that minds aren't going to change. it's not my right for him to worry about what he's doing... just like it's the same for him.

It's not that I don't care of what you say or believe what you say. I just see it in a new light. You are a GOOD friend. A friend who cares but then again all friends CARE *laughs* I keep the words in mind but that will be all.

play hard.
i'll do that
12:01pm 10/10/2004
  if u care that much den come find me and i'll tell u how my life is. i doubt u will... it's all gone now. thought about deleting this too but not worth it.

subete sayonara
Breaking breaking... crack *whispers*   
10:36pm 08/10/2004
mood: shattered
it is true.

i am gone.

so is everybody.

and i sit here and rewind. painful clips over and over
broken record
silly girl

i go to uni and wander around alone.
the woods near the asian centre by myself.
i want to go to the beach but bad idea since it's too isolated...
still i want to go and sit there, watch the waves crash back and forth
i stay at home instead of going out, i avoid so many people.
on a whim i find myself going shopping alone and wandering around downtown and such...
must be odd to see a tousled hair panda girl peering at stores...
dreaming... no laughter.. just tired

so u slept him... tell me was it for something? *laughs softly* it reminds me of SOS or even Suicide Club.... i'm turning into one of those girls lol... uncaring and just empty. a shell that's used over and over....

ahaha used tissue paper.
that's me.

*small smile as she looks down at gloomi*
at least you never make me cry

tears of the rising sun. tears tears...
i have no more

all gone
just like love
just like dreams
just like life
just like...

well that's all that you are, you're just one shining star   
07:03pm 07/10/2004
  I realized today why I don't want to keep in touch. I get irked by them easily so if I don't feel happy then why spend time with them. If you don't want to see them then don't meet them. That simple... I hate big group scenes if those particular individuals know me. Not just know my name but really really know me. I used to hate big crowds in general but crowds where nobody noes you is nice too. You can blend in with them and travel relatively unnoticed. ^^

Physics labs are brutal. Each one if like a marathon session where the last few metres you end up dashing to the finish line. I never seem to find the time to finish the report or make it decent. Now why do we have to have them on the same day??? Why can't it be like chem... >.> At least I got a 7.5/10... not bad for first time. Thought I was going to fail or something like that.

next time he's on... i guess i'll tell him cell so i can finally get that picture. I should add those other msns from the uni ppl... never seem to have the time.

still trying to make a choice but most likely new jacket during weekend. Maybe a couple new tops too if that's not too bad? I saw some really pretty ones oooh.... white jacket? i'm tempted but gets dirty easily esp me with the lack of taking care of things. I like the red one from jacob but the problem with red is the moment I wear a light colored shirt, that'll be see thru and that's really really baaaaaaaaaaad :p nobody supposed to see that >.>

free floating and no caring wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
i'm resigned to an unknown fate, depends on how fast i tell him. for the moment i'm in a dilemma.... still i'd like to hear his voice again. it was a nice one....

you won't see. i'm hiding, i'm lying, i'm cheerful, i'm fake.... the way you can find out is to rip this mask off of me but i'm sure as hell i'm going to resist...

let me reassure you that i'm fine and i won't bother you. i'll go find some comfort elsewhere
Uni... is a blissful nothingness   
05:24pm 06/10/2004
mood: pensive
Ah work.... the death of us all. Got my first eng assignment back which wasn't too bad... I'm vague though???? *sigh* when'd i ever become so aimless? avoid passive voice and avoid contractions... *mental note* my research essay needs to be reworked. completely. in order to rebuild something... to make it more stable... you have to bring it down to build up...

wooo... 2 hrs of trance music is enough to make your head spin. all muisiced out plus dancing... *laughs softly* there are no rules for dancing. as long as nobody is watching i can dance.... move body and let everything go. hopefully someday i'll learn some more complex moves but at the moment no time.

I've taken a habit to shopping by myself now. These past two days been wanderin around metro looking for new jacket. Found one I like but I gotta go back there in the weekend to try it on since I'm carrying way too much stuff :( Still I like it. I want one of those sweaters... but I dunno if that kinda style suits me at all. Well... must try and see. the pink or white one is nice. Must get hair cut since it too thick again argh.... I want to dye it brown and streak blond but... then mom will throw me outta the house. Still that style combined with that jacket... also dyed eyebrows will be perfect. Maybe... someday *laughs* Still I need a jacket.

my new shoes are large. I feel like a monster clomping around in them but no complaint since it keeps my socks dry on rainy days.

midterm midterm... why am i procrastinating????

it was different. for once there was progress in talking. no more skirting around the issue. still, the fear is coming back.... like i said, it gets bad around nitetime.

just one word that i misunderstoood. just one word that was said at the moment and i missed it. it was a shock to me and it felt as if the heart was cleansed. all the hurt... it somehow diminished..... it's not gone but it's more bearable.

it's not there's faith.
i'm dead for the moment but i'll be back again. reborn in the spring among tulips so for now... let me sleep this winter away.

soft and well-kept away from the eyes of everybody, i'll curl up in the darkness and sleep.....

dear heart
10:00pm 05/10/2004
  So predictable. I knew something would go wrong.... *Good Charlotte*

brilliant mv that should be watched.

It's now or never but I'm still running. Closing the doors behind as I run into myself deeper and deeper. Step by step I'm systematically closing myself off. Deliberately phrased, these words serve as deterrents.... they push you away.... just so.... I can be alone. It's a choice I make for myself. If I have to sit on my bed and cry then at least let it be by myself instead of looking for someone to talk to about it. Nobody has the time. It's that simple.

I'm running but somewhere in this mind, I'm waiting for somebody to just to grab me and hold me from running. Just hold... close and soak the abuse, the tears, the resistance... it's like withdrawal... the victim will often be uncontrollable, lashing out... yet they are there still to hold on to him/her. An unbeatable wall that will encompass me... so when the dust clears let me look up and say I was glad I went through hell just for you.

Still nobody will hear me. It's stupid to wish for something you can't have or what you have already lost. It's also stupid to go looking for something in the wrong place, especially when you know it's wrong. It's wrong when you know that somebody wants you for one reason. It's wrong... but a moment of pretty words can be beautiful even if they aren't meant with feeling at all... A well placed I want you or I love you.... it lacks the emotion but given the circumstances you can convince yourself that it's true. In the rush of blood, the desire can just carry you away. You're not there. It's an inanimate object being.... *looks away*

I know more then you think I do. But to be honest I know nothing about you. If I think about it, I don't know most things about anybody. So what was the point of me being here? I want to just disappear... I just want to go away... to lose it all and cease to be.

Because it's so cold here and there's the voice saying... nobody will come if I go.... If I go away.... would you come back to look for me? or watch me drown.... just sit... and watch me....

I wish I didn't find love. I wish I didn't know anything of it. I want to go back when I just knew studying.... work work work. such a simple task.

And the days are ticking away and he's coming for me. so be it. let him get what he wants.....
Sleepless beauty   
09:13am 30/09/2004
  throw off your mortal coils
and step into the light

kamisama if u can hear me
send a kiseki to this girl

nagareboshiga ichiban no takaramono dayo
*whispers looking up at the sky*
ah the memories *smiles to herself*   
07:21pm 25/09/2004
  finally found the song... to be honest i've forgotten about it until i saw the mv for it today. but the lyrics pull heartstrings. sounds very very familiar. so i post these up as part of my memories... my memory bank. forgotten about nat's b-day party on oct. 1st but that's same day as first yr dance. also ice breaker for JA and i realli want to go to that to see if i'll meet some jap ppl... [Usher intro:] There's always that one person That will always have your heart You'll never see it coming Cause you're blinded from the start Know that you're that one for me It's clear for everyone to see Ooh baby ooh you'll always be my boo [Alicia intro:] I don't know bout cha'll But I know about us and uh This is the only way We know how to rock I don't know bout cha'll But I know about us and uh This is the only way We know how to rock [Usher Verse:] Do you remember girl I was the one who gave you your first kiss Cause I remember girl I was the one who said put your lips like this Even before all the fame and People screaming your name Girl I was there when you were my baby [Chorus:] [Usher:] It started when we were young girl You were mine my boo Now another brother's taking over But its still in your eyes my boo Even though we used to argue it's alright I know we haven't seen each other In awhile but you will always be my boo [Alicia:] I was in love with you when we were younger You were mine my boo And I see it from time to time I still feel like my boo And I can see it no matter How I try to hide my boo Even though there's another man in my life You will always be my boo [Alicia Verse:] It's like remember boy Cause after we kissed I could only think about your lips Yes I remember boy The moment I knew You were the one I could spend my life with Even before all the fame And people screaming your name I was there and you were my baby [Chorus:] [Usher:] It started when we were young girl You were mine my boo Now another brother's taking over But its still in your eyes my boo Even though we used to argue it's alright I know we haven't seen each other In awhile but you will always be my boo [Alicia:] I was in love with you when we were younger You were mine my boo And I see it from time to time I still feel like my boo And I can see it no matter How I try to hide my boo Even though there's another man in my life You will always be my boo [Usher:] My oh, My oh, My oh, My oh, My Boo [Alicia:] My oh, My oh, My oh, My oh, My Boo [Chorus:] [Usher:] It started when we were young girl You were mine my boo Now another brother's taking over But its still in your eyes my boo Even though we used to argue it's alright I know we haven't seen each other In awhile but you will always be my boo [Alicia & Usher:] I don't know bout cha'll But I know about us and uh This is the only way We know how to rock I don't know bout cha'll But I know about us and uh This is the only way We know how to rock been looking at xangas and i have to admit i realli like some pplz layout... wish i can do the same for me >.< except somebody hasn't helped >.> *sticks out tongue* ohoh here's a good calculus pickup line. hey baby can i be ur first derivative? cuse i wanna be tangent to ur curves HAHAHAHAHA oh man... that was funni i mean.. i'd go out wif the guy who says that just because it was creative. u gotta noe calc to say that kinda stuff :p *groan* stop coughing! waaaaaaaaaaaaan *sniffles* at this rate i still gonna be like this for midterm V . V i miss a lot things... but i dunno wut to do. dammit regrets hurt.