Simple words, just txt... but that's the genuine caring i get from anybody. I read it over and over, letting the words gently roll off my tongue.... the only thing i've spoken so far today *laughs softly* I've stopped talking. It seems so unnatural to hear myself speak and I shudder to hear it. I can't talk... it's barely above a whisper. I don't want to hear anybody talk.
Waiting in metro, the floor echoes with a millon steps and voices. Head spins but I still can't help smiling at my reflection in the gap window. I have changed haven't I? As you say, I have become *delicate* :P Only a month or so and my hair will be longer than it has been for the last 2 yrs and I want to start working out again. Paler, darker... beautiful....
You could be the reason I love, you could be the reason I cry, you could you could....
Maybe love isn't dead. I still have a small portion... just for one. just for... somebody who has probably been hurt by me too much to risk another chance. I have lost all confidence to bring it up. Before I wouldn't have hesistated... before I would have.... done so many things.
My needs? Of course I have and I won't deny it. there's someone i need and no... it's not because he/she is always there... because i've gone through some thinking and... it's just another mistake. i'm stupid... incredibly stupid to let go of something so good... even all those painful arguments... all those... it was worth it to see you smile for me.... i
f i could... i would ask you... do you have any feelings left? what was left from the sunshine and the summer evenings... i would say sorry, i would say something different, all those things i've said outta selfishness and stupidity... i would say things that i should have said and realized much sooner... i would...
do you care in that way still? those songs you write... who is it for? a nameless figure... a pursuit of a idealogical figure... to attain an ideal... what you say... is clear indication that you don't.... you're not looking back so i shouldn't be either... but i can't help it..
fists clenched, i wanted to reach out hesistantly to touch that cheek, to say the soft affectionate words that would have melted.... i bite the tongue and hold those words when you say you don't care about relationships... i smile and hide the despair when you sidestep those hesistantly asked questions and talk about your day.
i remind myself. that at least we're talking. at least we're close again. that it's better than nothing. to say anything would jeopardize what we have.
but looking up at the white delicate figures and the countless winter songs piling up on the comp.. i whisper over and over....
i miss u, i miss u, i miss u, i miss u, i miss u, i miss u....
i'm sorry... i just want you back but you probably don't want that.
that msg gives me hope... but it's false sense of hope since it might just be my thinking... i'm relaxing to talk to... and that's my purpose. *laughs softly* but i will fufill that purpose since it's better than nothing.
it's better than not being able to talk you again.
there was a reason why i told you that day... how i felt more than friends there is a reason why that feeling still remains...
ah... why do i sound so... romantic.
I make it sound like that something else caused this problem but realistically saying, i ended it and now i regret it. Stupid right? Yes.. pretty stupid. But I'll admit that... if that can bring u back...
a chance of redemption.
that's what i want for x-mas and nothing more.